Sunday, September 21, 2008

Money-Making Schemes #1: Pundit Punches

Today I'll turn my attention away from Nick over at Buffalo This, and how he's basically doing my job for me. Instead, I want to start a new segment I call "Money-Making Schemes". In this new feature, I'll explain fool-proof ways for my readers to get rich with only minimal effort, and usually at other people's expense.

I call this first scheme "Pundit Punches", and it's simpler than you might think.

In a nutshell, the plan is this: You will write a short book on a ridiculous topic, get punched by one of the news-network talking heads, and then blackmail him or her for a lifetime of income.

To start with, you'll have to pick a good pundit to get punched by. I would go with a Republican like Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity, since they seem to be more prone to anger, but I bet Chris Matthews or Keith Olbermann would punch a fool. And I know something about punching fools. Remember, I socked Kim Jong-il in the mouth.

Next, you're going to have to come up with some wonky left-wing ideas. This shouldn't be hard. You don't have to (and probably shouldn't) actually believe in these ideas, or you will have a first-class ticket to hell. But as long as you can act like you believe in them, you'll be golden.

Let's say you decide on the following book title: "Common Sense: How Letting In Illegal Immigrants Will Help America By Allowing Gay-Married Doctors To Perform More Abortions". And you also decide that you want Bill O'Reilly to be the puncher. Unless O'Reilly has recently changed a bunch of his views, it's unlikely that he would be supportive of most of the ideas in your book.

Pack the book full of as many radical ideas as you can. You won't want to spend too much time writing it, since you've got better things to do, so I wouldn't push the 60 page limit.

Next, get the book published, and let it float around the media circuit a bit. Make sure O'Reilly gets to see a copy. This will probably merit you a five-minute spot on his show, where he will hope to rip apart your ideas and expose you for the pinhead that you are.

Here's the key. "The O'Reilly Factor" is prerecorded, which is what's going to give you your blackmail ammo. When you get your 5-minutes on the show, let O'Reilly introduce you, and then start laying into him with the most offensive things you can think of. Call him a baby-shaker. Remind him about how he sexually harassed his coworker. Play his emotions like a fiddle until his rage boils over. Then get in his face and turn up the vitriol even more. O'Reilly is only human, and he has his limits. If you play your cards right, he'll sock you across the jaw.

And you're set! "Mr. O'Reilly," you'll say. "That punch was caught on camera and I should press charges for assault."

"No! Please! No!" O'Reilly will squeal between sobs. "What can I do? Please! Anything!"

Now just work out a monthly stipend, courtesty of the Bill O'Reilly Paycheck Corporation, in return for your silence. You now have a lifetime of income for very little work. You have become the very definition of the American Dream.

So there you have it, a foolproof money-making scheme. More to come.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Oh, What a Punch Can Do

I recently mentioned my trip to North Korea when I punched Kim Jong-il in the kisser. Now the NY Times is reporting that Jong-il is "very ill".

Coincidence? Hells no! My punches pack mad fire, bitches!

Ok, that's all. Kim, feel better man, I didn't mean to hurt you so badly.

Monday, September 8, 2008

A Little Respect

Sometimes, you get out-bufallo-ed. It does happen.

Today, Nick (Nolte?) over at Buffalo This has posted a comic that looks as if it were drawn by a 6-year-old retarded monkey, and yet does quite a good job at explaining the Buffalo phenomenon.

Props to Nick (Lachey?). I will respond in due time.

Monday, August 25, 2008

A Chat With Kim

I've been out of town and haven't had a chance to post in a while. I had to fly over to North Korea to punch Kim Jong-il in the face. That probably sounds strange, but it really wasn't. I booked a morning flight into Pyongyang, took a cab over to the palace, socked Jong-il in the teeth, he and I got breakfast, and then I took an evening flight back to the States. But I'm back now so I'll be able to post a bit more often.

One thing Kim and I talked about over our Egg McMuffins was rivalries. He's got a pretty healthy one going on with South Korea, so he knows the space. I pointed him to Nick's post on rivalries over at Buffalo This. Kim's response? "That guy is one punk-ass bitch."

We high-fived and I headed for the airport, where I had a nice chance to think about what a rivalry really is. Mirriam-Webster defines a rival as "one of two or more striving to reach or obtain something that only one can possess." I think this definition is perfect. Nick and I are both trying to achieve superstardom and superior knowledge on roaming land animals, and yet only I can possess it. It's a bit sad for him, but for people who have ever met Nick (and I hope nobody ever has to go through that), they know that if he wasn't blogging, he'd be cleaning out the deep fryer at Jack in the Box.

So to Nick (whoever he bet is on Nick Nolte), I accept your "rival" terminology. Just don't think you've got a shot.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

This Will Not Stand

Apparently Nick over at Buffalo This thinks he's some sort of A-list celebrity, and that he has the right to badmouth bison whenever he wants.

This will not stand.

This blog will serve to be the true A-list take on the intersection of Bovinae and linguistics. It will also espouse the many qualities of the bison, showing its superiority to the weak-sauce buffalo (PUN INTENDED).

I'll also probably write some random shit about other stuff.